04 August 2016

summer meeting

Yesterday in the midst of an important meeting, I imagined myself exiting the meeting feeling proud of my calculated confidence. I swung open the construction trailer door to find him standing outside waiting for me. He smiled at me the same he had before, but today his smile reassured me that he was here to stay. He first gave me a hug and then stopped to look at me with his kind eyes. The warmth of our embrace filled my stinging belly. In his eyes I saw an image of myself I had longed for; he was here to tell me he had known that “me” all along. In my picture-perfect moment, he left me high and dry, left me unique and alone in a way I never felt before.

01 August 2016

paper girl

I had tried to forget about the paper box I hid, which almost blew open in the summer wind. I tried to gently shut the lid; maybe a few hot drops of tears would moisten its seal. I intended to find a pool where I would squeeze just a few drops, but the city would not spare any. I thought I had buried the box at home, beneath blankets that I held dear and dared not wash. Over the past few months I tried to smooth out the blankets without actually entering the room filled with sunlight that looked like dust. I told myself I would not go too far as long as my precious cloud was buried deep in the forest. Yet here I was - finding myself atop little mountains, when all I ever wanted in life was a still sea. In a recurring dream every little wave I discovered hit me just to whisper what I couldn’t have. And by the time I dove under each wave to find this still sea, I realized it was just a frozen mirror where I could see myself so clearly. And when I woke up this time around, I looked into the far off distance and saw the tall tan buildings on the polygon-shaped islands. Swimming there under the introspective sun, I felt the clear lines that held together crystal waves over my body. I had cut out the dots and lines that connect actions to realizations so well that I didn’t know how to accept anything as my own. I only knew how to release but not keep any feathers I caught and nurtured in my palm. I would reach the islands alone. Goodbye to the soft dove, whose feathers stain a sanguine promise of forever.